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This news made the Chihuahuas go insane-o around the rim of the volcano, singing:Ding-a-ling, ding-a-long, ding-a-lito, (clap clap)You are such a silly Skippito,(clap clap)You know what dogs think:If its good it must stink!Plus its great for the old snifferito!(clap clap)Sigh. I made a huge mistake in telling a soon-to-be six-year-old that I would read her a book. Any book she wanted. What was the worst that could happen? I innocently thought.THIS. This book is the worst that could happen.This is the fourth book in the Schachners series of picture books about a Siamese cat named Skippyjon Jones.Of course, the fact that he is a Siamese cat is not apparent. He looks exactly like a Chihuahua, and she has him speak in a horrible parody of a Latino accent. So much so that I spent the first half of the book thinking Skippyjon Jones was supposed to be a Chihuahua, until she specifically states hes a Siamese cat on page 8. This is because she has received copious amounts of mail from people who earnestly believe that Skippyjon Jones is a Chihuahua. Shes talked about this publicly before.Lets talk about that horrible accent, shall we?Because, Bobocito, said Don Diego, the biggest of the small ones, we hear they are reelly reelly beeg, dude!>.< *Carmen is not amused*They also speak this kind of English-speaking five-year olds understanding of Spanish, which (as you know) involves just adding o to the end of every word.Examples: Snifferito, rumpito, earthquakeito, crispito, Jurassico, extincto, stinkito, etc. etc. etc. Then occasionally she drops in actual, real Spanish. Like ojos, muy, ¿por qué?, dinosaurios, etc. etc.Its very weird. I hated it. I found the pseudo-Spanish to be annoying and insulting, and if she knows some real Spanish, why doesnt she just incorporate little bits of real Spanish in here without doing the fake-Spanish and the exaggerated parody of a Mexican accent? She really grated my cheese. >.<On top of that, the book makes no fucking sense. It doesnt make any sense. And not in a fun, kid way, like Dr. Seuss or Alice in Wonderland or some other way. Its just weird. The book jumps around and I have no idea whats happening, the plot follows no path - logical or otherwise - at one point it appears that Skippyjon Jones enters into another dimension, his mom speaks normally at some times, and in rhymes sometimes. Skippyjon Jones has about six nicknames which he is addressed by at various times, which is confusing. I mean, hell, I wasnt even sure what species he was for most of the book, so you can imagine what this was like. A bad acid trip.And the story is inane. For instance, Skippyjon Jones mom comes in to his room and tells him that he has to return the bones he stole from a bulldog. Skippyjon Jones reaction:But the kitty boy had no intention of returning Darwins bones before he bounced on his big-boy bed. First he pounced and wiggled. Then he bounced and giggled. All the way up to the ceiling, he chanted:Oh, Im Skippyjon JonesAnd I bounce on my bed, Cuz I love to eat pickles That tickle my head.Then he flung himself over to the mirror for a head check.This is page 7 and Im going, What the fuck? LOL Dont worry, I didnt say fuck in front of the six-year-old.The whole book is like this. The bones, Darwin, Skippyjon Jones theft is really not the plot at all. There is no plot. Its just random crap mashed together in a way that makes no attempt at being comprehensible. Again, bad acid trip.Nothing makes any fucking sense. Its exactly like when someone tells you their dreams. Do you enjoy listening to other people ramble on for a half hour about the dream they had last night? No, you dont, because its hella boring and makes no sense. Same with this book. It makes no sense and occasionally characters start doing long poems or songs for no reason.Also, at the end, Skippyjon Jones is snapped out of his acid trip / inter-dimensional travel by the arrival of Darwin, looking for his bones. The next page shows Skippyjon Jones on the couch, bandaged and with an ice pack on his head. He has no memory of what happened. Obviously, Darwin beat the ever-loving shit out of him and caused a concussion. o.O Im not assuming here, thats obviously what happened. And his MOM is like, Dont you remember, Sugar Beet? asked Mama Junebug Jones. You decided to return Darwins dog bones.All of them? asked Skippy.Thats right, dumplin, said Mama, proudly.So. Let me get this straight. Shes just OKAY with the neighborhood muscle beating her son into unconsciousness? She doesnt have a problem with that? She doesnt act scared or angry or upset. Her sons on the couch with a concussion and shes just like, Even though you have absolutely no memory of this, you - of your own free will, of course /s - decided to return Darwins bones to him.Even if Schachner wanted to make the mom unsympathetic because Skippyjon Jones was a thief, she could have at least had her say, Thats what happens when you fuck with the wrong people or stealing is wrong, you had it coming or something.But no. Its like shes an idiot or something and doesnt even grasp the concept that Darwin put Skippyjon Jones in a hurt locker and could have killed him.Tl;dr - So. In conclusion, this book is a horrendous piece of shit. For multiple reasons.Do you remember the scene in Despicable Me where Gru is reading the kitten book to the little girls and he just cant believe the shit hes reading? And he even says, Wow. This is garbage. You actually like this??!!? That was ME reading this book to the six-year-old. Every other page I would glare at her or mutter What the heck?! making her erupt in giggles. By the end of the book she was in fits with laughing. At the end I shut the book. Honey, I said, keeping my face completely serious, next time I tell you that I will read you any book... All the other kids chimed in. She means any book BUT that one!!!!! Then we all laughed and laughed.THE END.P.S. Im not joking with the six-year-old, I will literally never read her this book again because I hate it.

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